میروم ز دیده ها نهان شوم. میروم که گریه در نهان کنم

 The gloomy days of winter have started, and I have to wrestle myself out of bed every morning at six. After five-six hours of an intense very demanding German course, I carry myself to work every day and only get back home around 21:00. This is how I am trying to survive the winter this year: by overworking humbly with high energy and "good vibes only"!

Frankly, I have no other choice. My visa time in Germany is quickly coming to an end, and I urgently need to find a job or some source of money in the next few months. Towering waves of anxiety, stress, and frustration are crashing against the doors every second, and I spend every ounce of my remaining energy to keep that barrier locked tight.

This inner turmoil is not what one sees upon visiting me. My outward persona is more like a happy, determined, creative soul radiating kindness and hope to those around me.

*
It is Thursday night. We are deep into our theatre course. The challenge for the evening is for each person to spontaneously join the current scene and completely transform its essence through their individual act.

Jan joins Kati and Adri and changes their friendly scene into a long queue of people waiting for toilet. Robert joins the scene and changes it into a fun concert. Ajit joins as a photographer who wants to take a picture of this happy family gathering.

I am the last one to add myself. With no premeditated idea, I just jump onto the stage and let myself being guided by the inner impulses.

"This is a robbery! Everyone lie down on the floor and throw your damned phones to me!" I scream, holding my imaginary gun. I shout and shout and shout, and make the whole group act exactly the way I want. For God's sake, I am the angry one with the gun in my hand!

*
I head home with a strong rush of dopamine still pumping through my veins. I am still capable of surprising myself! Wow!

I caught myself with a huge smile on my face when I got inside the house and captured the moment.

Life is undeniably hard, but it remains, remarkably, fun.